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A little mid-week mini challenge

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The winners of the 2010 Bulwer-Lytton contest for the worst opening line were just announced.

So... anyone else want to have a go at writing one for Pros? *g*


Here's my feeble attempt:

With eyes the colour of asparagus that had been roasted in the finest extra-virgin olive oil from Tuscany, skin the faint bronze of brioche toasted on only a number one or at most, number two toaster setting, lips the deep rosy pink of perfectly fried back bacon from a rare breed Old Spot pig and hair reminiscent when the sun hit it of the colour of new potatoes, probably Roosters, boiled with the skins on, Doyle was spread out like a banquet before a starving man and Bodie couldn’t wait to taste his Swiss Roll.



With thanks for the idea to my mate georgiesmith who posted this challenge in the MFU fandom.
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Comments

( 116 comments — Leave a comment )
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reynardin
Jul. 7th, 2010 12:52 pm (UTC)
probably Roosters
The toaster setting pushed me over the edge, but then the bacon... that is just absolutely wonderfully terrible!!

probably! ah, lol....
draycevixen
Jul. 7th, 2010 12:59 pm (UTC)
Re: probably Roosters

I have a new toaster that is driving me mad and so art reflects life. *coughing fit* *g*

Gloucestershire Old Spot pigs produce unbelievably good bacon... and now I'm hungry.

Glad to give you a giggle. You should give it a go.
msmoat
Jul. 7th, 2010 12:54 pm (UTC)
I can't. I've just been scarred for life. For which I won't thank you, although it was brilliantly effective. *g*

(Oh, fine. "Are you ready for my man love?" Bodie asked, as he gazed hungrily and admiringly at Doyle's quivering tower of manhood.) (Sorry you asked?)
draycevixen
Jul. 7th, 2010 01:01 pm (UTC)

Oh I'm sure I'd managed to scar you before with my turgid prose... erm... although I see you've gone for your own brand of turgid prose. Ahem... *g*
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firlefanzine
Jul. 7th, 2010 01:00 pm (UTC)
Bodie looking smooth as anybodies best man. Cowley looking very touched.
"Ray, will you take Ann to be your wife? Will you love her, comfort her... as long as you both shall live?"
Ray answers "I will".

And they all lived happily ever after.

***
Sorry! Couldn't resist! :-)

Edited at 2010-07-07 01:01 pm (UTC)
draycevixen
Jul. 7th, 2010 01:03 pm (UTC)

Technically speaking it's supposed to be a single opening sentence but that's one scary little tale you've got going there. *g*
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constant_muse
Jul. 7th, 2010 01:44 pm (UTC)
ROFL! Beats a liver sausage sandwich.
draycevixen
Jul. 7th, 2010 02:14 pm (UTC)

Oh Bodie's not against a bit of sausage. Ahem...
hambelandjemima
Jul. 7th, 2010 01:54 pm (UTC)
It takes talent to be that bad. You, my dear, have talent in spades ♥

I was ok until ...probably Roosters, boiled with the skins on... *g*
draycevixen
Jul. 7th, 2010 02:15 pm (UTC)

Erm.. thanks? *g* One must always go with one's strengths.

callistosh65
Jul. 7th, 2010 02:10 pm (UTC)
Gawd, that is just.. sck and brilliant. So funny. I was cracking up by the time I got to Bodie tasting his Swiss Roll..*g*
draycevixen
Jul. 7th, 2010 02:16 pm (UTC)

Glad it gave you a giggle. *g* So... going to have a go?
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L.O.L & *cringe* - reynardin - Jul. 7th, 2010 04:22 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: L.O.L & *cringe* - callistosh65 - Jul. 7th, 2010 04:38 pm (UTC) - Expand
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ankaree
Jul. 7th, 2010 02:11 pm (UTC)
LMAO!!! God, that was aweful! *giggles*
draycevixen
Jul. 7th, 2010 02:17 pm (UTC)

What, you thought it was awful? *sobs*

Glad to give you a giggle. *g*
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bistokids
Jul. 7th, 2010 04:40 pm (UTC)
I can't tell you how happy smutty innuendoes featuring Swiss Roll make me. *loves*

Here, then - couldn't resist playing:

The rain trickling down the gloomy window pane mirrored the tears that poured unchecked down Bodie’s cheeks, dripping from the end of his nose into the whiskey he nursed between clenched fists, as the realisation slid home with the force of a very large brick – Doyle, his darling Raymond, his hero and the keeper of his dreams, was gone, gone never to return.
draycevixen
Jul. 7th, 2010 04:49 pm (UTC)

What can I say, I was hungry. *g*


Oh the angst, the angst! I can't decide whether I love Bodie's dripping nose or the brick the most. *G*
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snailbones
Jul. 7th, 2010 04:46 pm (UTC)
I could murder a bacon buttie now


probably Roosters, boiled with the skins on,

You manage to make me giggle and need supper all at once. Probably.

draycevixen
Jul. 7th, 2010 04:51 pm (UTC)
Re: I could murder a bacon buttie now

I have to admit to being very hungry when I came up with this.

I'm always glad to make you giggle, petal.

You should give it a whirl. *g*
hagsrus
Jul. 7th, 2010 04:47 pm (UTC)
Like a raging thunderstorm, like a towering tsunami, like some unique monster from the chaotic depths of mankind's most primitive mythology, the ex-mercenary CI5 agent engulfed and possessed and ravaged his curly-haired partner whose enraged resistance melted into a mounting crescendo of reluctant pleasure that culminated in a howl of horrified yet irresistible delight.
callistosh65
Jul. 7th, 2010 04:51 pm (UTC)
Seriously, I do not even know where to start at the awful wonderfulness of this.. all those adjectives and descriptors..

::stands and applauds::
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snailbones
Jul. 7th, 2010 04:58 pm (UTC)


THIS. Is why I don't write *g*

As he eased stealthily through the open window, moving with the powerful grace of a sleek jungle cat sensing its prey, Bodie’s heart was beating frantically like a tiny bird trapped in a dusty shed window, throwing itself again and again against the cobwebby glass, so frantically that he was mortally afraid that its loud staccato would surely be apparent to any nefarious person lying in wait in the sharply sunlit room, gauzy with still-lingering gun smoke and redolent with the unmistakable smells (unmistakable to anyone who had spent their formative years in the slums of Africa) of rancid milk from the corner shop down the road (who never had appreciated the importance of Best By dates), gunpowder and spilled blood - Ray’s blood, oozing uncompromisingly from beneath his sprawled, seemingly-fragile but tougher-than-he-looked body as Bodie fell to his knees beside him, uncaring of his perfectly pressed slacks, his downcast eyes framed by long dark lashes that rested like butterfly wings on his pale skin, reaching desperately with one hand to find a pulse in a frail bony wrist, whilst running his other shaking hand through Ray’s thick, tawny, slightly-auburn-when-the-sun-kissed-them curls, matted with clotting blood and milk that really must have been off to start with, until he encountered one tiny, perfectly formed, pointed ear... Nooooo!


draycevixen
Jul. 7th, 2010 05:08 pm (UTC)
Welcome (again) to the handbasket...

*bows to a master* All this brilliance and elf!fic too! *runs away*

I choked on my coffee when I hit the "Best By" dates... *g*
Re: Welcome (again) to the handbasket... - snailbones - Jul. 7th, 2010 05:50 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: Welcome (again) to the handbasket... - draycevixen - Jul. 7th, 2010 05:51 pm (UTC) - Expand
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sc_fossil
Jul. 7th, 2010 07:34 pm (UTC)
Fabulous job! You were amazingly awful whilst being quite good. Swiss roll... LOL!
draycevixen
Jul. 7th, 2010 07:36 pm (UTC)

It's all about the Swiss Roll. *g*
sc_fossil
Jul. 7th, 2010 07:40 pm (UTC)
I wanna try! (Not Brit checked. Anybody want to beta? *snirk*)

Bodie didn't know how he was going to get his best friend into his bed, but he reckoned that he only had a week left before Doyle married that bitch, Ann, so he had to make his move before it was too late and he ended up alone and lonely in his old age with nothing but a rusty gun, a scarred sword and a bolt hole that was full of dust and dirt and outdated tins of veg that he hated, like peas, or even worse, spinach, which was green and reminded Bodie of Doyle's eyes which now made him really angry because thinking about Doyle's eyes made Bodie horny and he didn't have anybody here to shag, only his own right hand, since he couldn't jerk off with his left (too awkward!), and smack in the middle of his palm was a big, nasty scab from a cut last week on a crappy op where he slipped and cut his hand on a piece of glass, which now bled when he tried to use it to stroke his hard on while thinking about Doyle's big green spinach coloured eyes, and now Bodie was really fucked.


Edited at 2010-07-07 07:41 pm (UTC)
draycevixen
Jul. 7th, 2010 07:47 pm (UTC)

I can't help thinking that to seek a Beta is against everything the Bulwer-Lytton contest stands for and that you should probably be disqualified for even bringing up the subject... Still... your entry is too good to disqualify. *g*

I started losing it around about the tinned veg and the scab pushed me over the edge. You try explaining to your boss why you're giggling while mopping water off your computer monitor.
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saintvic
Jul. 7th, 2010 08:04 pm (UTC)
*giggles manically* Am I hungry or turned on, I just don't know. *sniggers*

sc_fossil
Jul. 7th, 2010 08:19 pm (UTC)
How about eating whilst shagging? Takes care of both things at once. *dusts off hands* My work here is done.
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saintvic
Jul. 7th, 2010 08:20 pm (UTC)
Oh go on then, a quick go from me as well
Bodie sat stressed, sapped, and slumped at the steering wheel of his stationary car, the strain of secretly securing state secrets was starting to stretch his superior skill at safely shrouding his swirling shifting emotions, and this suppression was still more shaken by his sustained state of being seriously and sweetly smitten with his stormy, solemn, serious, and sexy partner, the sleek and slinky Ray Doyle.
sc_fossil
Jul. 7th, 2010 08:25 pm (UTC)
Re: Oh go on then, a quick go from me as well
Stupendously scribed, saintvic. *g* Super.

Edited at 2010-07-07 08:25 pm (UTC)
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teaandswissroll
Tea and Swiss Roll
The Professionals: a binge-fest of tight trousers, snark and guns fuelled by tea and Swiss roll since 1977.

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